All movies seen since Christmas, reviewed.

Preface
Unbeknownst to you—and for that matter—me, I am also a movie critic.  And you can’t spell criticize without critic!  I think some reviewers forget this, but not me.  It’s pretty safe, since I will admit up front that most movies are awful and I wish I didn’t spend so much time watching them but I blame it on society and the devil so I am exonerated from all charges and can now freely watch all the movies I possibly can with the caveat that I will snarkily comment on all their perceived failures and denigrate their creative time and effort!
To rate movies I will use my patented “outrageous number/ridiculous movie-related object combo” which will absolutely not stand up to any scrutiny or comparison.

(Theater)
Fantastic Mr. Fox
At first I was bitter at seeing another “kid’s movie” in the theater, because the last movie I saw was Where The Wild Things Are.  I enjoyed the former movie more.  It is funny.  It is cool looking.  In fact, it reminds me of how a Roald Dahl book should look.  The humor is an acquired taste, but I had already acquired it half of the way in.
Rating: 56 Boggises, Bunces and Beans

(on video)
The City of Ember
Again, another kid’s movie.  And again, I was pleasantly surprised.  The premise reminds me a lot of The Giver (which for some reason hasn’t been made into a movie) although there are some cheesy parts.  It is kinda creepy, which I don’t think a lot of movies can do to me. 
Rating:  200 Builders

After the Wedding
This is a Danish foreign film that reminds you how good non-Hollywood movies can be, just by mixing in something different like—I don’t know—an unhappy ending and morally ambiguous characters!  You know characters you can’t tell if they are good or bad, then they are good again and I’m all like huh?  Kinda like real life.  That is, if I lived in Denmark and I went to a wedding party and found out the bride was my daughter and her stepdad was dying and wanted me to marry his wife (your ex-lover).  Oh yeah, spoiler alert.  Oops.
Rating:  1,024 Honeymoons

Ivanhoe
Sheesh, all that introductory rambling and I still haven’t excoriated a movie!  Sorry, Mom, but this movie is downright silly.  And I think unintentionally so.  It was a TV movie, granted, but I’ve seen better.  I hope the book isn’t this bad. 
Rating: 2 lances

Twilight
If there is any more written about this movie or these books, the Internet will literally need to have a stake driven through its heart or be shot by a silver bullet or else it will start to suggestively force adolescent sex on you.
Rating: 9 man vampire infield and outfield

(already seen, but recently reseen)
Breach
Rating:  $3-4 billion lost in Government Intelligence
Catch Me If You Can
Rating:  3,000 bounced checks
The Three Amigos
Rating:  20 plethoras of pinatas

My formula for deciding when I can put down a book

How accessible and attention-grabbing do books need to be?  My personal theory of literature (credentials, B.S. in English, BYUI; future prolific author; extensively read--including War and Peace, James and the Giant Peach, and Reader’s Digest) dictates that the very best works would of course have interesting openings.  In practice, however, how many times do I nab a supposed classic and find myself snoring through hundreds of pages of absolutely unADHD-friendly delayed gratification?  Look, if we want and expect kids to keep reading for the sake of reading (perhaps a faulty premise), we need to feed them more saccharine laced fluff more along the lines of Twilight, Goosebumps and Everyone Poops! 
I have extra power such as pride and guilt that gets me through some of the most mundane novels, but we all know kids nowadays (and adults too) can’t be trusted to possess such valuable attributes.  It would be nice to know that you gave a book your best effort and at the same time remove the stigma of leaving a  book unfinished.  Therefore I determined that I personally would develop a formula for when I could put down a novel with a dragging plotline and still maintain a modicum of respectability. 
At first I thought I might settle on an arbitrary number, such as  one-hundred pages in.  But that is unfair to longer books, so then I decided that it must be a percentage.  Of course there are books that reward you for sticking around, but there are also clunkers that leave you scratching your head, wondering why you wasted so much time.  I feel that if you read half of a book, you should be moderately far into a plot by then, so that would be too far and too much reading to set as a benchmark.   A quarter of a book is more reasonable, but I am a literary snob so I will err on the side of the author and compromise with 33%.  Think it out:  if a book does not speak to you on some level after a third has been read, you can safely put it down.  It’s fair.  It’s only right.
Then I got to thinking that I need to have a reason to put the book down, more complex than that it is simply too boring.  So I devised this protocol:  after 11% of the book has been read and there is any tangible feeling that I do not want to continue (manifested by yawns, periods of two days or longer of inactivity, or rampant debauchery) I will draft a first warning that details the setting, plot and characters; after 22% of the book has been read and the feeling continues I will draft a similar warning along with any additional developments, and then at the 33% mark I will write a third and final summary, after which I can safely determine that the book is too boring and I can move on.  Now, if the first feeling that I want to quit is after the 33% mark, only one report is needed.  The same rule applies if the first feeling of quitting is between the 22% and 33% marks, except only two reports are needed.  If these rules are followed, all feelings of guilt will be expunged and all pride will be upheld.  If these rules are broken, guilt shall be doubled and pride will be taken away, even that which I already have.

Joel's consumer power, vol. 23: Overcoming planned obsolescence in your life

 

You know planned obsolescence.  It’s everywhere.  You need to buy a new computer every two years.  You need to get a new cell phone every two years.  It’s when designers intentionally limit the effectiveness of their products so that you will buy more of them.  In the case of technology, they are supposedly getting better and better so that when you buy a computer it is quickly obsolete.

The worst culprit of all:  disposable shaving, and more specifically, the Gillette corporation.  They had me duped for years, buying their el cheapo Mach 3 starter kits and then stealing out of my back pocket with their replacement blades that are so expensive even companies that sell bottled water think they are out of line.  And then, do you know how long those blades last?  Guess.  They are scraping the very skin off of your face on the fourth day. 

The worst part of this whole thing was that I used to be a champion of the Mach 3.  I remember singing its praises:  “Those three blades are so smooth when you haven’t shaved for a few days”  and “I love Mach 3 so much I would literally shave myself while flying a fighter plane that was going Mach 3, in a World War II dogfight.”  I was in bed with Gillette, in bed!

It might have been my imagination, but I think the folks in Gillette’s uber-secret design department gradually cranked up the planned obsolescence over the last few years, so slowly that no one would notice.  You know, like the frog in boiling water.    “Maybe we can get it so that they will buy a new blade every day,” I imagine them saying.

Now, people have been shaving for centuries.  They have not always used Mach 3 blades.  I started looking into alternative shaving methods, which abound on the Internet.  Just Google it, there are a lot of cool ideas, like towel-blotting the razor so it doesn’t get wet (which supposedly stops the blades from going dull), to dipping your blade in rubbing alcohol or mineral oil, to using a double-edged straight razor old school style.

I tried keeping the Mach 3 from getting wet, and I tried dipping it in rubbing alcohol, but for me, it just made me feel like a bigger fool.  I still would cut up my face until I would give in and put on a new razor.

In short, life was miserable, and it was because of shaving.  Now, some of you may be wondering, why doesn’t he get an electric razor?  Well, I had some long standing biases against electric razors, but as you will see, they ultimately become my salvation.  They don’t have as close of a shave as a new Mach 3, and it doesn’t feel as effective at first, and of course they are a bigger up front cost.

My wife, much smarter than I, purchased one for me for Christmas.  I immediately loved my new toy.  It’s so sleek and sexy.  I don’t need to shave in the bathroom.  I don’t need to get wet to shave.  It doesn’t hurt to shave.  The blades (so far) still work after a couple of weeks, and they supposedly will work for an entire year.  Yes, it might take a bit longer to shave than it used to, but that is totally cancelled out by a completely unforeseen factor:  I look forward to shaving!  It is so fun now!

And thus we see that by clever design Joel was able to overcome planned obsolescence in his life through the providence of his loving wife, which is truly “the best a man can get.”

A few recent events…

I’m not sure if I want to keep posting this blog or to Alyssa’s, or both.   I am giving myself a decision period of 45 days. 

• We got a new computer.  It’s an Quadcore HP Pavilion with 6GB RAM, 640 GB Hard Drive, Windows 7, Monitor and Printer.  It’s an early Christmas present.  Alyssa sneaked it out of Office Depot on Black Friday.
• I am enrolled in a online course to receive a post-baccalaureate certificate in Geographic and Information Systems from Penn State.  (This was a major reason to get a spankin’ new computer, and Alyssa fell for it!)
• I got a job.  It is dangerous to say anything about one’s job on the Internet.  Suffice it to say that I work for an anonymous company that pays me money, and that I am not doing anything illegal nor indecent.
• I am going to a Blazer game tonight.  Here’s the twist—it’s in Indiana!  I am excited.  I penciled it on the calendar before we even moved here, because it only happens once a year, like your birthday and the number of times you think about income taxes.
• In fact, I got this whole day off, and I’m getting paid for it.  I cleaned this morning, wrapped a present and am going to run a few errands before tonight’s game.

Joel Feik, We Are Offering You A Great Work-From-Home Job Where You Can Earn Over $100,000/Year!!!

I don't think we as a society are quite to the point where we can all work from home and make tons of money, although I for one would welcome this.  Since as a side job I am a futurist, I know that there will be a period from 2017-2033 where work-from-home jobs will be held in high esteem and over half of the US population will telecommute in their jammies.  This of course predates the eventual abolition of all labor starting 2034ish, which comes about threefold: increased robotization, the changeover to an energy-based currency, and the recreation subsidies.

For now though we must wade through piles of spam and scam trying to pluck out the real jobs when we apply on the Internet.  I bet there are more fake jobs listed than real ones, if we take the aggregate total of Internet job listings everyday.  This is excellent news for the fake jobs economy, which unfortunately has no real effect on the real world.  It is good however for fake people, who are more in abundance than you would think.

Sometimes I wonder if I am deluding myself as to whether I am fake or real.  Judging by the amount of fake job offers I get, I could be persuaded that I am fake.  When did this happen?  But seriously, maybe if I switched over to this fake economy I would be better off. 

Hiding on the side of your Gmail is an outlet to this parallel fakeverse.  It is the Spam filter.  You thought you were getting enough fake job offers?  I dare you to take a peek in this filter, but first avert your eyes.  This is where the fake job offers reside that obviously aren't trying very hard to be real.  A few highlights:  multiple e-mails addressed from a MARK HANCOCK that are exactly the same except that they are always signed from a different person, multiple e-mails from the same "company" that loves to use size 28 font, e-mail job offerings that have unsubscribe links, e-mails that don't mention the name of the company, e-mails that use bad grammar, and e-mails that offer to save you money.

I actually like to check the Spam filter.  I get excited to see if my fake friends have been thinking of me.  I am tempted to de-spam all of them, so that they show up in my regular inbox.  Wouldn't you love to have fake friends that never bug you (except with phony e-mails) and that you never have to do anything for?

Look, we all have pseudo-fake friends on Facebook.  Just take the next logical step into the blindness.  Embrace the scam. 

Inspired ideas that fall outside of my stewardship

Occasionally, I have ideas that I think could change the world and make everything better--or I have ideas that would make a certain specialized thing better.  Unfortunately I usually have ideas that I have no control over nor any influence.  When it comes to some of my religious ideas, we have a nice concept in the church called stewardship.  To the best of my understanding, we use this term in the church to explain the principle that everyone is entitled to personal revelation as well as revelation for those people and things over which they have authority.  It prevents people from having revelations for the whole church unless they are the prophet. 

For example, I have previously discussed my idea that missionaries should be called to their mission when they are a lot younger.  It would be so cool, but I don't think the prophet is taking open suggestions on how to radically change the mission program of the church, because of that pesky stewardship clause.  It makes me wonder, is my inspiration from the devil?  Why did I get it, and not the prophet?  Oh well.

Fear not; I also have many other impractical and hare-brained ideas to reform the church, the NBA, computer games, world hunger, our nation's clogged highways, and the electoral process, to name a few.  Here's a quick fly-by:

• Why can't men in the church have homemaking or enrichment or book clubs or whatever it is the women do?  Exactly, there's no reason.  Also, I had a lot of great ideas for singles wards, more specifically the singles ward I was in.  Except now I've joined the dark side of being married and feel an irresistible urge to shun all single members and treat them as an awkward disease...
• I have a cool idea to prevent lottery-bound teams in the NBA from purposefully losing games to try and get a higher pick.  Once a team has been eliminated mathematically from making the playoffs, the teams go into a consolation playoff after the regular season with the seedings based on the records they had in the last 10 games of the regular season. The winner of these playoffs gets first pick with the runner up getting second, etc.  It rewards teams that are still trying while not overly penalizing teams that just are horrible and deserve a good pick.
• My favorite computer game franchises, Civilization and SimCity, both could be a lot cooler if they had a multiplayer option for collaborative play.  This would allow players to micromanage some aspect of the same civilization or city.  The players would be on the same team, have the same ultimate goals, but have their own duties and responsibilities.  In Civ, one player could be the defense minister, another the science minister, another the foreign advisor, another a provincial governor, etc.  In SimCity, different players could be in charge of Education or Public Safety or Transportation or Zoning.  I can't believe I'm letting this idea out, it could be worth millions.
• To solve world hunger, we can just make food out of the people who die.  Plus, the state of Indiana could feed the whole world, if the world always wanted corn.
  
• We could get rid of the nation's clogged highways if we scrapped our entire car-based paradigm and switched over to rail and bikes!  Cars are unsafe, expensive, ugly, polluting, and most importantly, too self-empowering.
• It is well established that I champion the idea of an overhaul of the current electoral process in favor of a compulsory Internet voting system that removes middlemen representatives and senators.  The day of true democracy is now within our grasp, people!  Technology has provided a way to bring us back to the glory of our ancient Greek ideals!  We need not disenfranchise ourselves by outsourcing our vote to a politician who has their own selfish aims at heart!  We need not be ashamed that we have no land, the wrong age, the wrong skin color, the wrong gender!  We all can vote on every issue!  What, I say, is holding us back from our destiny?!
  

Books exorcising my weak-willed imagination, vol. 1

Here is what I have read or attempted to read since I got married, starting with books I finished or gave up on:

Moby Dick by Herman Melville
Probably less than 25% Completed.
Alyssa and I were reading this together for months, even before we got married.  It's a big book.  It was easier than I thought it would be to get into it, but it was even easier to get out.  Did I say it's big?  Cool writing style.  I wish I liked whales and the sea and stuff. 
Rating:  3 Headhunters

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
100% completed.
I have a soft spot in my heart called russkyus literaturus and I have an imaginary quota to fill.  I was curious about ol' Solzhenitsyn and I gave this book a whirl.  It's about a guy serving in a Stalinist work camp.  Not fun.  It convinced me that it would be miserable.  It was kinda miserable to read too.  It's not Tolstoy or even Dostoevsky.
Rating: 16 Babushkas

American Pastoral by Philip Roth

100% completed.
I haven't read any Roth before, and I was wondering what the deal was about that, so I read this.  It's about this star athlete who has a charmed life who has this crazy daughter who is a terrorist and opposite in every way.  It is high on writing style, high on character, maybe a little lower on plot.  Would I recommend it to my Mom? No.  Heck, I wouldn't really recommend it to anyone.
Rating:  5 yarmulkes

The Bridge of San Luis Rey by Thornton Wilder
100% completed
Five travelers fall to their deaths when an old rope bridge in Peru mysteriously breaks.  Was it some divine fate or just a coincidence?  SPOILER!  That question remains unresolved.  We get a peek into the lives of each of the doomed characters.  This book had a very high literary style that tickled my literary bone.  The characters were very well-developed as well as their stories.  It's a book I feel I need to read again.
Rating:  5 million sombreros

We by Yevgeny Zamyatin
100% complete
I love a good dystopia.  I even love a bad dystopia.  This combined my Russian fix with my dystopic fix, and let me tell you, it went down smooth.  It's one of the first dystopias, predating all of your piddly 1984s and Brave New Worlds.  In a world where everything is scheduled out down to the number of bites it takes to swallow breakfast, how could anything ever go wrong?  Oh man, things sure go wrong.  I couldn't put this book down for the first 100 pages, then I started to put it down some but I still read it in like three days.  My second recommendation.
Rating:  73 Department of Redundancy Depepartments

The Telling by Ursula K. LeGuin
100% complete
Even though We is sci-fi, I needed an even purer shot, because I thrive on performance-enhancing books.  I also read this with Alyssa, who was enthralled at reading her first LeGuin.  If you haven't already read her work, why haven't you?  This was my second after LHOD (abbreviations make me sound cooler) and I again enjoyed her feminine, social science approach to sci-fi.  In fact, I like her ideas the most, but I wouldn't say the plot nor characters nor style were that great.
Rating:  33 ansibles

Now here are some books I am in a partial state of undressing:

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce
about 25% complete
I snagged this book as well as a book of critical essays about this book, ready to swig some turn-o'-the-century Irish kunstlerroman, get hungover, vomit, and then examine the contents of the vomit.  But, blimey, I am having a hard time getting into it.  You have tricked me again, every list I have ever seen of the best books ever written!  I am enjoying the critical essays more than the book so far, but I haven't given up hope yet.

The Natural by Bernard Malamud
about 75% complete
When this book walks down the street, do people say, "there goes the best book there ever was?" Um, no, they don't.  And books don't walk.  I do feel like I am breaking a personal vow to never see a movie and then read the book, but we got this book for really cheap at a Red Cross Charity Booksale, and I could hear it calling my name.  So I read it and was immediately drawn in because of the familiarity of the story, but after settling in I realized that I actually liked the movie better and I think this Malamud was a bad writer and somehow he got lucky and they made a cool movie about his kinda dumb book.


Dombey and Son by Charles Dickens
about 5% complete
Too early to tell.  Dickens stories have some pretty great expectations from me.

On the Docket:
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon
How We Are Hungry by Dave Eggers
something by Faulkner