A few recent events…

I’m not sure if I want to keep posting this blog or to Alyssa’s, or both.   I am giving myself a decision period of 45 days. 

• We got a new computer.  It’s an Quadcore HP Pavilion with 6GB RAM, 640 GB Hard Drive, Windows 7, Monitor and Printer.  It’s an early Christmas present.  Alyssa sneaked it out of Office Depot on Black Friday.
• I am enrolled in a online course to receive a post-baccalaureate certificate in Geographic and Information Systems from Penn State.  (This was a major reason to get a spankin’ new computer, and Alyssa fell for it!)
• I got a job.  It is dangerous to say anything about one’s job on the Internet.  Suffice it to say that I work for an anonymous company that pays me money, and that I am not doing anything illegal nor indecent.
• I am going to a Blazer game tonight.  Here’s the twist—it’s in Indiana!  I am excited.  I penciled it on the calendar before we even moved here, because it only happens once a year, like your birthday and the number of times you think about income taxes.
• In fact, I got this whole day off, and I’m getting paid for it.  I cleaned this morning, wrapped a present and am going to run a few errands before tonight’s game.

Joel Feik, We Are Offering You A Great Work-From-Home Job Where You Can Earn Over $100,000/Year!!!

I don't think we as a society are quite to the point where we can all work from home and make tons of money, although I for one would welcome this.  Since as a side job I am a futurist, I know that there will be a period from 2017-2033 where work-from-home jobs will be held in high esteem and over half of the US population will telecommute in their jammies.  This of course predates the eventual abolition of all labor starting 2034ish, which comes about threefold: increased robotization, the changeover to an energy-based currency, and the recreation subsidies.

For now though we must wade through piles of spam and scam trying to pluck out the real jobs when we apply on the Internet.  I bet there are more fake jobs listed than real ones, if we take the aggregate total of Internet job listings everyday.  This is excellent news for the fake jobs economy, which unfortunately has no real effect on the real world.  It is good however for fake people, who are more in abundance than you would think.

Sometimes I wonder if I am deluding myself as to whether I am fake or real.  Judging by the amount of fake job offers I get, I could be persuaded that I am fake.  When did this happen?  But seriously, maybe if I switched over to this fake economy I would be better off. 

Hiding on the side of your Gmail is an outlet to this parallel fakeverse.  It is the Spam filter.  You thought you were getting enough fake job offers?  I dare you to take a peek in this filter, but first avert your eyes.  This is where the fake job offers reside that obviously aren't trying very hard to be real.  A few highlights:  multiple e-mails addressed from a MARK HANCOCK that are exactly the same except that they are always signed from a different person, multiple e-mails from the same "company" that loves to use size 28 font, e-mail job offerings that have unsubscribe links, e-mails that don't mention the name of the company, e-mails that use bad grammar, and e-mails that offer to save you money.

I actually like to check the Spam filter.  I get excited to see if my fake friends have been thinking of me.  I am tempted to de-spam all of them, so that they show up in my regular inbox.  Wouldn't you love to have fake friends that never bug you (except with phony e-mails) and that you never have to do anything for?

Look, we all have pseudo-fake friends on Facebook.  Just take the next logical step into the blindness.  Embrace the scam. 

Inspired ideas that fall outside of my stewardship

Occasionally, I have ideas that I think could change the world and make everything better--or I have ideas that would make a certain specialized thing better.  Unfortunately I usually have ideas that I have no control over nor any influence.  When it comes to some of my religious ideas, we have a nice concept in the church called stewardship.  To the best of my understanding, we use this term in the church to explain the principle that everyone is entitled to personal revelation as well as revelation for those people and things over which they have authority.  It prevents people from having revelations for the whole church unless they are the prophet. 

For example, I have previously discussed my idea that missionaries should be called to their mission when they are a lot younger.  It would be so cool, but I don't think the prophet is taking open suggestions on how to radically change the mission program of the church, because of that pesky stewardship clause.  It makes me wonder, is my inspiration from the devil?  Why did I get it, and not the prophet?  Oh well.

Fear not; I also have many other impractical and hare-brained ideas to reform the church, the NBA, computer games, world hunger, our nation's clogged highways, and the electoral process, to name a few.  Here's a quick fly-by:

• Why can't men in the church have homemaking or enrichment or book clubs or whatever it is the women do?  Exactly, there's no reason.  Also, I had a lot of great ideas for singles wards, more specifically the singles ward I was in.  Except now I've joined the dark side of being married and feel an irresistible urge to shun all single members and treat them as an awkward disease...
• I have a cool idea to prevent lottery-bound teams in the NBA from purposefully losing games to try and get a higher pick.  Once a team has been eliminated mathematically from making the playoffs, the teams go into a consolation playoff after the regular season with the seedings based on the records they had in the last 10 games of the regular season. The winner of these playoffs gets first pick with the runner up getting second, etc.  It rewards teams that are still trying while not overly penalizing teams that just are horrible and deserve a good pick.
• My favorite computer game franchises, Civilization and SimCity, both could be a lot cooler if they had a multiplayer option for collaborative play.  This would allow players to micromanage some aspect of the same civilization or city.  The players would be on the same team, have the same ultimate goals, but have their own duties and responsibilities.  In Civ, one player could be the defense minister, another the science minister, another the foreign advisor, another a provincial governor, etc.  In SimCity, different players could be in charge of Education or Public Safety or Transportation or Zoning.  I can't believe I'm letting this idea out, it could be worth millions.
• To solve world hunger, we can just make food out of the people who die.  Plus, the state of Indiana could feed the whole world, if the world always wanted corn.
  
• We could get rid of the nation's clogged highways if we scrapped our entire car-based paradigm and switched over to rail and bikes!  Cars are unsafe, expensive, ugly, polluting, and most importantly, too self-empowering.
• It is well established that I champion the idea of an overhaul of the current electoral process in favor of a compulsory Internet voting system that removes middlemen representatives and senators.  The day of true democracy is now within our grasp, people!  Technology has provided a way to bring us back to the glory of our ancient Greek ideals!  We need not disenfranchise ourselves by outsourcing our vote to a politician who has their own selfish aims at heart!  We need not be ashamed that we have no land, the wrong age, the wrong skin color, the wrong gender!  We all can vote on every issue!  What, I say, is holding us back from our destiny?!
  

Books exorcising my weak-willed imagination, vol. 1

Here is what I have read or attempted to read since I got married, starting with books I finished or gave up on:

Moby Dick by Herman Melville
Probably less than 25% Completed.
Alyssa and I were reading this together for months, even before we got married.  It's a big book.  It was easier than I thought it would be to get into it, but it was even easier to get out.  Did I say it's big?  Cool writing style.  I wish I liked whales and the sea and stuff. 
Rating:  3 Headhunters

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
100% completed.
I have a soft spot in my heart called russkyus literaturus and I have an imaginary quota to fill.  I was curious about ol' Solzhenitsyn and I gave this book a whirl.  It's about a guy serving in a Stalinist work camp.  Not fun.  It convinced me that it would be miserable.  It was kinda miserable to read too.  It's not Tolstoy or even Dostoevsky.
Rating: 16 Babushkas

American Pastoral by Philip Roth

100% completed.
I haven't read any Roth before, and I was wondering what the deal was about that, so I read this.  It's about this star athlete who has a charmed life who has this crazy daughter who is a terrorist and opposite in every way.  It is high on writing style, high on character, maybe a little lower on plot.  Would I recommend it to my Mom? No.  Heck, I wouldn't really recommend it to anyone.
Rating:  5 yarmulkes

The Bridge of San Luis Rey by Thornton Wilder
100% completed
Five travelers fall to their deaths when an old rope bridge in Peru mysteriously breaks.  Was it some divine fate or just a coincidence?  SPOILER!  That question remains unresolved.  We get a peek into the lives of each of the doomed characters.  This book had a very high literary style that tickled my literary bone.  The characters were very well-developed as well as their stories.  It's a book I feel I need to read again.
Rating:  5 million sombreros

We by Yevgeny Zamyatin
100% complete
I love a good dystopia.  I even love a bad dystopia.  This combined my Russian fix with my dystopic fix, and let me tell you, it went down smooth.  It's one of the first dystopias, predating all of your piddly 1984s and Brave New Worlds.  In a world where everything is scheduled out down to the number of bites it takes to swallow breakfast, how could anything ever go wrong?  Oh man, things sure go wrong.  I couldn't put this book down for the first 100 pages, then I started to put it down some but I still read it in like three days.  My second recommendation.
Rating:  73 Department of Redundancy Depepartments

The Telling by Ursula K. LeGuin
100% complete
Even though We is sci-fi, I needed an even purer shot, because I thrive on performance-enhancing books.  I also read this with Alyssa, who was enthralled at reading her first LeGuin.  If you haven't already read her work, why haven't you?  This was my second after LHOD (abbreviations make me sound cooler) and I again enjoyed her feminine, social science approach to sci-fi.  In fact, I like her ideas the most, but I wouldn't say the plot nor characters nor style were that great.
Rating:  33 ansibles

Now here are some books I am in a partial state of undressing:

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce
about 25% complete
I snagged this book as well as a book of critical essays about this book, ready to swig some turn-o'-the-century Irish kunstlerroman, get hungover, vomit, and then examine the contents of the vomit.  But, blimey, I am having a hard time getting into it.  You have tricked me again, every list I have ever seen of the best books ever written!  I am enjoying the critical essays more than the book so far, but I haven't given up hope yet.

The Natural by Bernard Malamud
about 75% complete
When this book walks down the street, do people say, "there goes the best book there ever was?" Um, no, they don't.  And books don't walk.  I do feel like I am breaking a personal vow to never see a movie and then read the book, but we got this book for really cheap at a Red Cross Charity Booksale, and I could hear it calling my name.  So I read it and was immediately drawn in because of the familiarity of the story, but after settling in I realized that I actually liked the movie better and I think this Malamud was a bad writer and somehow he got lucky and they made a cool movie about his kinda dumb book.


Dombey and Son by Charles Dickens
about 5% complete
Too early to tell.  Dickens stories have some pretty great expectations from me.

On the Docket:
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon
How We Are Hungry by Dave Eggers
something by Faulkner

A date with Cappy makes me happy

Alyssa asked me why I capitalized the second word of the title of my last post, and postulated that I just like to randomly capitalize words that I think are important, like the British sometimes do.  And my Answer was that I would Never consciously do Something like that.

Here is a recap of last night's date:

• we went to Target.  That was the date.  What?  Don't act like it's not an awesome date.
• we had over $100 left on our gift card, and it was literally burning a hole in my wallet.  
• Here are some highlights of our big subsidized spending spree (in order of importance):
• Hershey's Bar with Almonds
• a new blender I call the Blenderbuss (we were blenderless)!
• a new 11 piece set of casserole dishes!
• granola bars
• pasta and sauce
• nylons

• Here are some of the lowlights:
• a comforter that couldn't comfort the most comfortable person ever to have been comforted
• we couldn't find any raspberry balsamic oil (you know, to lure fruit flies)

• and other things were purchased, and we still have $20 left!  
• then we went to Borders and snooped around, buying nothing.  
• We switched through a couple musicals before ultimately watching old Mr. Rogers clips.

 

Are Interpretations created in the mind or do they exist on their own?

A great philosophical rift opened between me and my wife last night as we lay trying to go to sleep.  I don't know how we didn't discover this sooner:  I am a true-blue, through-and-through metaphysicist while she is a staunch materialist. 

This argument got started while discussing possible interpretations of Rosenquist's "I Love You with My Ford" (pictured above).  I offered up that to me, it was a tripartite flag (in the style of Germany's) representing the nation of pop art. 

Then she said something, I wasn't really paying attention, but our conversation hit on the requisite salient points:

• my interpretation was silly;
• there is no correct interpretation;
• if we knew what Rosenquist said about this work it still wouldn't be the correct interpretation;
• there are a lot of possible interpretations;

at which point a point of contention arose:  how many possible interpretations are there?  She said something to the effect that as soon as someone thinks of one with their mind, there is born another interpretation.  I countered by saying that the interpretations exist before anyone even thinks of them.  Not only that, but there are an infinite number of interpretations.

She bristled at my theory.  She asked "how can an interpretation exist without a mind to think it?"  I said that "there were an infinite number of interpretations possible the moment it was created" which I later amended to "even before it was created there were an infinite number of interpretations."

Well, as you can see we were clearly going deep dish.  She stuck to her guns, I stuck to mine.  It was a long war of attrition, but we realized that she dwells among the world of tangible things while I am adrift in the world of ideas. 

No insults were thrown, except she called me "Platonic" which I took as a compliment, and I lovingly called her a "flesh-and-blood pragmatist wretch" and then we started talking about the chronology of the Indiana Jones movies somehow.

If you are curious as to the answer to the question contained in the title of the post, it turns out we are both wrong--interpretations are neither created in the mind nor do they exist on their own.  They are actually sentient (yet mindless) non-existential beings called Golliwogs that are invisible to all five senses and only can be briefly found in paradoxical situations such as double negative sentences (I do not not exist) and certain M.C. Escher drawings.

Go East, Young Man

A week and a half ago, I took a long road trip with my wife out to Indiana.  I got to see all of my siblings in a span of three days.  I went further away from home that I had ever been.  Err--I guess that's not true.  Here is a recap:

Day One

Vancouver, WA to Eagle, ID.
400ish miles, 6 and a half hours.

This is a trek I have been on often.  Not much to say.  I tried not to notice how beautiful it was.  We stopped in Arlington, as is mandatory.  Lunchables.  Gazebo.  Wasps.  I learned on NPR the other day that the bee-like looking things that bother you when you picnic are not bees.  Bees wouldn't do that.  They are probably wasps.  I hadn't had Lunchables for a long time, but I guess nothing really stops me from picking them up at the store.

We met up with Adam at Kyler's football practice.  Then we had pizza.  Then we left the next morning.

Day Two

 

Eagle, ID to Salt Lake City, UT
350ish miles, 5 and a half hours.

More of Idaho, and again, already-trodden land.  Much as Alyssa was dreading heading into Utah, we had to do it.  We did avoid Provo though.  We stayed in a swanky Bed-and-Breakfast in downtown SLC that Alyssa's aunt put up for us.  We went to the temple, LIVE!  Then we saw Jessica (it was not accidental).  We ate the Lion House.  I had pot roast.  Yummers.  Then we played pool.  

Day Three

 

Salt Lake City, UT to Omaha, NE

930ish miles.  13 and half hours.

 

Epic day.  We awoke at the crack of dawn, too early for our complimentary breakfast.  Headed out over the Rockies, with the blazing rising sun in our eyes. Wyoming was mostly signs for Little America, a truck stop.  Once we passed Cheyenne, it was untrodden territory for me.  By the time we reached Nebraska, we were already scouring the atlas feverishly for the next interesting thing to come up.  "Look, we are about to pass into a new county!" or my favorite, "Only 7 miles until we pass the unpaved road."  

At the first rest area in Nebraska, a nice lady told us it was still like 9 hours until Omaha.  With our heads hung, we drove and watched as cornfields filled our view--cornfields that fill up Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana--in fact, now that I think about it, we are still in the midst of cornfields.  

We passed glorious Lincoln in the evening dark and finally made it to Omaha.  We stayed with my mission bud Randy.  Talked about the mish.  Alyssa sat there patiently, probably dead tired as we laughed about the silly things we did.  

Day Four

 
 

Omaha, NE to Bloomington, IN

630ish miles  10 and a half hours

We had to get up super early so we could get to Bloomington (I want to shorten Bloomington to 'The Ming', you know in the style of Vancouver> 'The Couv') by 6 so we could meet our landlord and get into our house.  After the previous day's marathon, 600 miles seemed like nothing.  We first crossed over the Missouri River into Council Bluffs, Iowa.  As the sun rose over us, we were greeted by the rolling hills of Iowa.  In all, the Midwest as I have seen it has been more rolling than flat.  I was expecting flat, and I'm getting more curves, to be honest. 

In Des Moines, we had the closest thing to a crisis.  I mean, the odds are, on such a long trip, there has to be something, right?  Alyssa was napping as I was stunned by the booming metropolis of Des Moines, and all of its confusing freeways.  Right before my eyes I saw myself veering off onto another freeway when all my mind was thinking, "80.  80.  Stay on 80."  I mean, we had to stay on I-80 for over 1000 miles--it was the bulk of our trip.  Not too hard, huh?  But I started to take another freeway, and then realized my error and tried to pull over onto 80, but I took it a bit too late and the car went off the roadway, hit a pothole, bottomed out and woke Alyssa up.  In hindsight, it wouldn't have mattered if I had taken the other freeway, but I had visions of us ending up in South Dakota.

At the Quad Cities (for the uninformed, that's Davenport, IA; Bettendorf, IA; Rock Island, IL; and Moline, IL) we crossed over the great Mississippi into Illinois, the Land of Lincoln.  All of the states in this whole area try to claim Lincoln--we had seen a statue in Wyoming, there's Lincoln, NE, of course Illinois has a lot, Indiana says it was his boyhood home, Kentucky says he was born there.  I say, what's the big deal?  I was more excited to pass the Presidential Library of Herbert Hoover!

I thought the highlight of Illinois was Peoria (pictured above).  It was pretty.  We passed Bloomington, IL (ooh--so close) before we finally got into Indiana.  Once in Indiana, we had to take back roads into Bloomington.  We saw a bit of the countryside.  It's pretty here--there's forests and hills.  And, yes, corn. 

"Forget about the crowds, the size of the school, their fancy uniforms and remember what got you here "

• My own wedding
• A savory honeymoon
  
• Housesitting;
• with its subsequent lack of Internet access (a contributing source to the famine)
• the taking of the GRE
• selling my car
• packing all of my possessions (twice)
• disposing of many of my possessions
• giving a talk
• an exodus to Indiana
• a new home
  
• a new phone (that doesn't accidentally call people)

all of which could have their own separate post. Instead of gorging you on all of it at once, I will divvy it out piecemeal, in an easy-to-swallow daily dose. Of course, you could wait a few weeks and then read all of the entries at the same time, if that's how you roll.

A new link has been forged in the fires of Blogger-- a new family website curated by my spouse: Joelyssa. This site that you are reading now will not be unmade, for this site is MINE!

OK, now a random Hoosiers clip. I found this first, and it's really the only thing I knew I wanted in this post, but I haven't really worked it in. But we are in Indiana, so you know.

Pretty Mediocre Photographic Fakery

This is alternate version of myself riding a roller coaster.  If you observe closely, you can see him popping in and out of existence.  Note you can also see his pseudo-world through rips in the space-time continuum.  

This is What Happens When You Kiss Yourself...

My Latest Work of Art

Joel Feik's 10,021st Day of Life

Stardate 10021:

I guess it would have been a little bit cooler if I had posted on my 10,000th day, but my tally system--scratching on my wall with a sharp stick--makes it hard to pinpoint these milestones.

I snagged a coupon for SportClips, a new "barbershop" on 192nd, and got not only a haircut, but a steaming towel on my face, a scalp massage, and all while I watched SportsCenter! For free! I am a witness.

Then my mom and I went down to Clackamack and I got a humdinger of a wedding suit, plus they threw in another suit on account of good behavior.

We then traversed across the Promenade to a Sushi joint, for much Wasabi-laden goodness.

Later in the day, I mowed not one but two lawns, which is a personal record. I still feel like I am inhaling chlorophyll.

Still later, my fiance and I came one step closer towards our lifelong goal of getting married to each other by having a temple recommend interview.

To cap off the day, I won a fun game of Settlers of Cataan.

Bring on Day 10022!

What is the Pointiest Vegetable of them all?

I have no idea why Burgerville is promoting asparagi. Maybe an asparagus smoothie? An organic, Northwest-grown asparagus burger? At any rate, I saw this marquee that I thought was clever (click on the picture to zoom in):



I had been chuckling at its quirkiness for weeks when an unsettling feeling hit me. Some one or something was getting disrespected. Why, there are obvious candidates for pointier vegetables!

Carrots--hello? And artichoke leaves are so pointy they hurt.

Burgerville, my friend, you disappoint me. Throwing carrots and artichokes under the bus just for cheap laughs.

Reverse SAD

I think that I may have Reverse Seasonal Affected Disorder right now, which I thought was a made-up condition that I would joke around about, but stinkin' Wikipedia confirms that it actually is a condition.  (BTW, how annoying is it in this day & age of the Internet to think of a creative idea,  google it and discover you are not the first person to have thought of it, and then further discover you are perhaps the last to think of it?)

The radio said this morning that we have had like eleven consecutive days of 70 degree plus weather.  The sun has been shining constantly.  It's perfect right?  

No!  It's driving me crazy.  It's too hot!  

I would like to see the following template from now on:  three sunny days on, one rainy day off, three sunny days on.  Is that so hard to ask?

We are in Portland, people!  PORTLAND!

(I think someone up there heard me...I hear thunder this very moment)

The Sound of My Pocket's Own Ruffling

I bought this phone a few months ago.

My old phone stopped working.

I researched all of my options.

I got a phone that calls people all of the time on accident.

I just love it when someone I haven't talked to in a long time calls me and asks if I called them and I have to sheepishly explain that my phone likes to call people by itself.

So that necessitated a reworking of my contacts list, just in case I don't call girls that I went on a date with 3 years ago at school.

But then there's those people I just don't call but I don't feel like I need to take them off my list.

If you get a call from me and you hear the sound of a pocket, yeah, that's my phone, not me.

It's really because the keypad on the exterior has a weak keypad lock and then if it smushes up against something while in my pocket it will easily access my contact list and then call them.

My fiance has gotten a fair number of these pseudo-calls, because not only do I talk to her a lot, but she is near the top of the contacts list alphabetically.

Where do I go from here?

I thought of just taking a really optimistic viewpoint and pretend like I did call people when they call me back. You know, shrug it off and ask how they are doing and tell them I was thinking about them.

Get a new phone? Maybe. Maybe.

Get a male purse? That's a topic for another post.

Turn my phone off when not in use? Yeah, perhaps, but that loses some of the immediacy of the cell phone.

Chuck it off of the 205 Bridge? It's intriguing...

Fakers, Curious Cases, and Comments

• Good thing I got yesterday's post in when I did, because it is already obsolete: the Fakers are in the Finals. How are things ever going to change, people??
• Last night Joelyssa watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was what I thought it would be. Short stories seem to be the perfect format for taking a clever concept (like a man growing younger) and fleshing it out without going too deep. And while people adapt novels into movies all of the time, I think short stories are way better suited for film. A properly adapted novel would usually have to be at least ten hours long. Think of how long it takes to read a 250 page novel. Now some short stories take a good couple hours to read, which is of course a standard length for a movie. I want to see more short stories made into films, and I want to see less novels sold short.
• I don't know how else to respond to recent comments, but I figure in the body of the blog is good enough.
• Thanks on the site design, I wish I could say I did anything. I didn't even choose it. Just endorsed it.
• I don't use "Mom's" iPod to write posts. Even though I geek out on the iPod, I have found it is too cumbersome to write blog posts (although it is possible).
• Isaiah is cuter than ever.
• I don't remember kissing Melissa, but I know so far Melissa is 2 for 2 in writing awkward comments on my blog. :)
• This blog is not designed for old folks. Keep them away!

Why I want to see Denver and Orlando in the Finals

There are a few schools of thought on sports fanmanship. There are
those who always root for the teams that win year after year, the
teams from the big cities, the the teams with the big name players.
These fans are "front runners."

Then there are fans who loyally root for the home team, year after
agonizing year, and once their teams are eliminated from the
postseason, they root for similar teams that are underdogs. These are
"true fans."

Lebron v. Kobe would admittedly be an interesting series, but it is so
fun settling into my instinctual role as a true fan and rooting
against them in the conference finals.

Every year, every sport, I root for the underdog. I was born and bred
for this purpose. I have had my share of disappointments, but they
have made the victories all the more sweet.

Plus, you know I am in the minority and the NBA would get a better
rating with LA/LeBron. It would give me great satisfaction to have
the smaller cities playing for the rings.

(BTW this will never happen)

Trendy Suffix Watch: “-ist”

Hipsters and suits alike are buzzing over the latest designer suffix:

IST

I mean, what's the deal with those three letters? Everywhere I go people are adding –ist to the end of things. It's all over movies, blogs, books, and you may be next! A popular meme is to use the definite article preceding the title of a work. (e.g. The ___ist")

Here's some examples. The Illusionist (movie), The Alchemist (book), and about a billion blogs: The Consumerist, The Web Urbanist, The Futurist, The Transportationist, Nerdist, etc.

Maybe you haven't noticed yet, but it's the next big thing. In fact, prepare to be sick of it.

I guess people love labeling themselves followers/adherents/ proponents of very specific fields. This smart guy says that the suffix comes from Greek, packaged along with sister suffixes –ism and –ize, but many of the new –ists aren't interchangeable, adding further consternation to prescriptivist Greeks. I mean, even "prescriptivist" gets the squiggly red line and suggests the change to "prescriptivism."

I propose to out-hip the newest suffixists at their own game. Now, mind you, this is a bit before its time, but look for –ista. A suffix on the suffix. Actually, it is ist in Spanish (and other languages). I think the most widespread usage in English right now is barista. If you want me to explain why that's even cooler, you might as well have someone explain to you what cool is.

Destination Seattle 2009: Mann und Maus, Winger's, and a Doppelganger Washington Park Arboretum

My fiance, me, and my car trekked up to Seattle on Saturday to partake in the type of frivolity only the Puget Sound can provide. Naturally, being not only from Portland but technically from Vancouver, WA (read: Camas) , I feel a little Napoleonic to the Emerald City. The split dichotomy of residing in the state of Washington but closely feeling affinity to all things PDX (and therefore Oregon) has fostered a manic loyalty tug-of-war in my pysche. Do I love or despise Seattle?

We zipped up I-5 gaily and parked in a huge parking garage in the middle of the steeply terraced downtown. The garage was attached to the Art Museum but we wanted to explore a bit first before putting our art critic's hats on (berets, of course). Hmmm, but strangely we could find no exits except one that pealed an alarm when we opened the door. I guess we can expect no great user-friendliness from the city that gave us Microsoft.

Well, we also couldn't find a suitable place to eat and I had to expectorate so we decided to stave off eating until later. I most enjoyed the modern art at the museum, which actually sorta surprised me. The above picture shows a gigantic mouse sitting on top of a man in bed. Love it!

After frolicking from minimalism to maximalism (?) at the SAM, we again attempted to find a place to eat, finally setting on the Pike Pub, nestled somewhere in the bowels of Pike Place. I imbibed water and Rueben sandwich.

With Google Maps as our guide and Rothko as our inspiration, we quit the downtown and headed over to the Washington Park Arboretum. The well-travelled Northwesterner quickly realizes there is also an arboretum in Portland's Washington Park! Is this merely coincidence, or has Seattle dared to slug her little brother to the south? Turning to Wikipedia for peer-reviewed populist answers, I realize I have opened up a can of worms: Seattle's version of the arboretum "may have" started in 1920, while Portland's Hoyt started in 1922. *Grumble grumble* --point to Seattle. But wait, hold everything! Sure, the arboretums, but what about the parks themselves? Seattle's Washington Park: "Woodland and Washington Parks were purchased in 1900". Portland's WP: (drum roll) "The City of Portland purchased the original 40.78 acres (165,000 m2) in 1871 for $32,624" Boo yeah! (I seriously spent 15 minutes looking all this up)

The arboretum, despite its shady copycat beginnings, was pretty cool. For the record, I haven't even been to the Hoyt in Portland.

Our aesthetic escapade quickly turned coldly capitalistic as we visited the Aurora Supermall. Look it's a Sam's Club! No, it's an indoor gathering of factory outlets! It's SUPERmall! Well, the Supermall was rather a silly place so instead we went to sister Becky's Men's Wearhouse (not WAREhouse...get it?) I purchased gentlemanly items in preparation for my coming wedding. BTW, here's a link for that.

Somewhere in the nether regions of Seattle's hinterland I found a Winger's to have dinner at. As a disgraced former employee I feel no special bond to said restaurant, but I think I am addicted to the sauce. I got to see my nephew Isaiah and got to eat the corn dog bites I thought he might like (he didn't).

Closing thesis: Seattle is a great place to visit when you live in "Portland", full of charming/strange idiosyncrasies, and would be my second preferred metropolitan area to live in.

Oh yeah!

Keep on rockin' in the free world.

Captain Obvious

I'm going to idea-surf off something I heard on Colin Cowherd the other day. He was talking about how some of the stupid mistakes we see people make seem so obvious for us to fix. For example, it is obvious to everyone else that a physically abused wife should leave her husband, but that wife will defend him and still tell everyone he's a great person. Conversely, sometimes we make mistakes and we are in a complete fog. I'm in a fog like all of the time, so I know that is true with me. Here's a few arbitrary things that seem obvious to me:

• Peter, Paul and Mary's Wedding Song is absolutely a must-play at a wedding, and I'm not too picky.
• The Blazers all season long took too many outside jumpers. They needed to push up the tempo and take the ball to the hole!
  
• General Conference needs to get rid of the teleprompters.
• Everyone should get rid of their cars, we should rip up all the roads and build electrified rails everywhere.
• If newspapers give away all of their content for free on the Internet, their cost-based print versions will fail.
• In the same vein, why ever go to the movies or rent videos anymore? You can either get them for free or pay to see them in your home without going out and hassling with some teenager who makes you show your debit card twice and then has you walk around the corner to hand you the DVD because they think you are going to steal it!
• It is impossible to tie a string around someone's finger when they are moving.
• Why do they have phones that have buttons on the outside which cause you to accidentally call people when you put it in your pocket?
  
• Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigre? They're the same face! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

That's all for now. What else is obvious? Do tell, but go easy on me.

Joelyssa

I am getting married!

McGriddles, Hash Browns, and OJ: A Foray into the Seedy Underbelly of My Breakfasts

Yeah, I know that this is my second entry on food in a row, but I feel that I must mention my other work-related indulgence: fast food breakfasts. Like my cookie fix, I withheld from giving in for quite a long time. The problem is, once the precedence is set, I am like an uncaged beast.

Drawbacks: Fast food breakfasts are unhealthy. They are greasy and make you fat. They leave a greasy aftertaste in your mouth for the rest of the day. Also, eating everyday costs money.

Benefits: They are so good! The Hash Browns are maybe the best-- I always eat them first. And actually, fast food breakfasts are generally cheaper than fast food lunches.



Cost: Medium
Premier Item: I always go for the McGriddle--it is a syrupy, bacon, egg, and cheese monster. It takes some gettin' used to, but it is a sweet and savory sensation.
Hash Browns: Triangle
Drink: I always get OJ, and theirs is more expensive because it is from the soda fountain. On the other hand, they give you more OJ.



Cost: High
Premier Food: It's not as obvious as the McGriddle, but I like their biscuit sandwiches. BK seems to fill me up the most.
Hash Browns: Pellet form.
Drink: The OJ comes in a small Minute Maid carton.



Cost: Low
Premier Food: It's all about the same. Nothing stands out to me.
Hash Brown: Tater Tot form.
Drink: They also rock the snall Minute Maid carton.

I have also tried Burgerville, but they are too expensive, and take longer, plus I didn't think they brought anything too special to the table.

So, yeah. Cookies and fast food breakfasts. That's what I shove down my pie hole when I work.

If you give a Joel a Cookie OR What Do I Want--a Cookie?

At work about twice a week I stop by the office for a group of condominiums. They always have a plate of cookies out and they are so delicious. Here is the evolution of my relationship with the cookies:

1. I would notice the plate of cookies and look longingly at them for a brief few seconds, and then move on.

2. After a few months or so, If none of the employees were around, I would sneak a cookie and hide it in the palm of my hand and then devour it ravenously when I returned to the van.

3. After I got back from school this time and returned to this job, I reasoned that it was pretty immature of me to take cookies so I decided not do it anymore.

4. One day, out of nowhere, one of the employees ASKED me if I wanted a cookie!

5. This same employee started to suggest it every time I came in. I felt like I had turned a page in my life. It was wonderful. I would look forward to it all day.

6. Sometimes I would joke that I would get fat. Sometimes I would forgo one, self-conscious that I might lose some goodwill.

7. Months go by. Just the other day, for the first time, I realized that I was so confident in taking a cookie without even being prompted that I no longer just wanted one cookie, but that I clearly needed--no, deserved-- TWO cookies.

8. To pull off the double-cookie coup I wanted the same conditions that I wanted so long ago: namely, no employees around.

9. As I mulled this around in my head on Friday, I went in, and analyzed the situation: the coast was clear. I did my business, swung by the plate, swiped two cookies and continued walking out like I owned the place. Back in the van, I snickered in fiendish delight, wallowing in self-crapulence.


And thus we see the slow descent that comes upon me when you dangle a delicious morsel in front of me. What placates me now will be a pittance later. What will I try next? Three cookies? Four? The whole plate?

I Would Like Last Week Back In the Form of Cash

Now that it is Wednesday, this marks a full week of a monster fever/flu/thing. I have had a pulsating headache, a nose full of gelatinous snot, a throat with razor sharp edges, and a canker sore at the end of my tongue to top it off.

I'm not the type of person who asks "why me?" in these types of situations. Wait, scratch that. I am exactly the type of person to ask that. So if anyone has the answer, please tell me.

A Welter of Multifarious Consanguinity

Things that bothered me today, and today only (and ultimately really within the last hour):

1. I have a headache.
2. My right contact lens is on the fritz.
3. I took a nap and was awakened to booming music from the neighbors. Probably contributed to my headache.
4. I left my backpack in my car last night and went out to get it in my socks but of course that got my socks all wet. Yeah, I know, I deserve it, but it was annoying.
5. Before I went out to to my car I walked all the way downstairs then realized I needed my keys so I had to trudge all the way back up.

That is all.