The First Post--no, scratch that, it's The Zeroth Post

"First Post" doesn't seem quite right, because this post isn't much of a post at all, but rather an obligatory introduction to my new blog. Therefore, I have glossed this post as my zeroth (0th). So, in a sense, it is not really a post at all, because zero is nothing. Er, or should that read zero isn't anything? No matter. I think I need to let my blog develop and grow a bit before I get into deep metaphysical concepts and advanced double negatives.

My motivations for creating this blog are many, and I will list them in order of intensity: peer pressure, guilt, fear, love and a little bit of vanity.

Oh, btw, my name is Joel. If you don't know me, why are you reading my blog?

Hmmm. What to blog about? Do you want to know what I'm doing right now? Here's a list. I've heard people like to read lists.

1. I'm watching the US Open Final between Federer and Murray.
2. I'm sitting in a brown recliner chair in a family room in a house at 5201 NW 17th Circle, in the city of Camas, in the zipcode 98607, in the county Clark, in the state of Washington, in the United States of America, which is a country in the North American continent, which straddles the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans in the northern and western hemispheres of the planet Earth, which rotates around a big yellow star called the Sun, being the third major planet in distance from said Sun, which entire star system is a speck in a pinwheel of stars called the Milky Way, which also is the name of a candy bar.
3. I'm twirling my bangs. It's a bad habit.
4. It's a sunny day, measuring 83.3 degrees on the Fahrenheit scale.
5. I'm wearing green cargo shirts, a white T-shirt which appropriately advertises the "Davis Invitational", with a picture of a girl hitting a tennis ball.

Ok. I will now attempt to describe my physical appearance, as I percieve it. For fun, you can compare it with the pictures of me included on this site. I will begin at the uppermost reaches of my body, and then laboriously and piously work my way down to the nethermost regions. At the lofty summit, a bushy expanse of mahogany-hued hair majestically blankets a squattish head, tapering off both to the east and west in meticulously well-kept sideburns, and to the posterior in terraced slopes, ending just above the neck. The skull is best described as belonging to the species Homo Sapiens, although slight traces of Homo Erectus can be seen by the trained eye. This is of course characterized by a roundish upper dome which encases the mighty central processing unit, which in the common speech is known as the brain. The nose is slightly larger, relative to the mean, and is due to a mixture of Hebrew and Central/Eastern European origins. It could therefore be appropiately referred to as a "schnozz." Two gaping holes are punched in the portion of the nose which juts foremost out away from the face, much like a rock overhang on a mountainside. Directly above and on either side of the schnozz lies the entire Visual Apparatus; two haunting, matching mahogany eyes showcase this apparatus, garnished by equally hued brows and lashes. The eyes must be augmented artificially by slim pieces of plastic which suction themselves onto the iris of each eye. Moving below the nose, we pass by a brief portion of the epidermis above the mouth known as the upper lip/mustache area. Much like the cheeks and chin, this area is perpetually growing obstinate whiskers, which if shaved every day at 6:45 a.m., will still be in shadow by mid-day. The mouth glitters with a porcelain set of corrected teeth, forever lacking four errant teeth which stood in the way of society's vain expectations of the adult smile. Rouge lips line the circumference of this mouth, and a delightfully slick tongue patrols the interior and assists in the formings of sibilants and plosives. Oh, no, I have not forgotten the ears. How could I adequately describe such twin tributes devoted to the blessed pursuit of auditory input, except to say that they perhaps have performed their duty the most flawlesslessly of any other? The whole of the head contours in a stunning climax at the chinny-chin-chin. Below the head exists a barren neck, notable only for its birth mark oasis which curiosly resembles a pretty mean hickey. It must be now mentioned that the same-colored hue of hair crops up again in many places across the body, beautifying what would otherwise be a pasty blandness. This first occurs on the chestal area, which I now mention. The stomach is liberally mixed with muscle and fat; this extends into the hip area. Our Puritanical standards here limit much of merit which could be discussed, so I will reluctantly proceed to the mighty legs which support the whole upper structure of the body. On the left leg, on the backside of the knee I would be rash to not mention a certain keloid which appeared during my formative years following an unfortunate razor incident. Finally, at the base of this mountain of a man--two feet replete with ten impractical but stylish toes. In total, I measure five foot eleven inches, and weigh one hundred sixty pounds.

I think that is enough for a 0th post. Stay tuned for my first post!