In Memoriam: A Perfect Driving Record (1998-2008)

I am in mourning today. Just on the heels of bragging about my driving skills a few days ago, I am served with my first ever "infraction." Oh, how the mighty fall, and great is the fall thereof! I guess it wasn't enough to be made a fool of in my car towing friends by driving with my e-brake on and nearly having one of my wheels fall off. I rationalized that by saying that I still had a perfect driving record, but that my car did not. No more.

Oh, and that time I backed up into the taillight of a parked car also didn't count, because that didn't go on my permanent record and neither the cops nor the insurance agencies ever got a whiff of it.

Mind you, I had been in many a car that had been pulled over, but it had never been me in the driver's seat. Let me bask in its glow for one last time: for ten freakin' years! You know, most kids are idiot drivers, and they promptly get pulled over as they exit the DMV with their newly minted license. I had been a shining pillar of driving excellence to the community, err---either that, or I've been extremely lucky.

Well, the hefty fine slammed on my head makes up for all of my riotous driving over the years that I got away with. I suppose that I have no other choice but to press onward through life, to select that D with the circle around it instead of the N or even worse the R. I don't know what my hurry was. The interloping officer posed me that question, and I now realize that I don't need to be going so hastily.

Ironically, on the same day as my "infraction", I ran a red light, texted people while driving, and somehow forgot to wear my seatbelt all day long (including during the traffic stop). Take that, world! Take your silly rules and shove it!

Yellow Square seemed to be delighted at my fall from grace; she lectured me on "defeatism" and pride.

Honestly, it's sorta cathartic. You don't realize how much pressure there is on you, trying to keep up a perfect driving record. Now I don't have to worry about that anymore. I can let go. I can finally breathe deeply. I can now get on with my life. Maybe it's the one thing left I needed to have happen, before I reach self-actualization.

While Chewing My Cud One Day, I Looked Up and Noticed All of My Herd-Mates Grazing in a Northerly Direction

For my much-anticipated first post, I would like to offer my take on an article I stumbled upon concerning of all things, the grazing habits of cattle.  In short, "researchers" noticed while using Google Earth that animals such as cattle and some deer tend to all graze facing a north-south direction.  Wow!  Let me offer up my impressions on this subject:

1. I love Google Earth.  It is one of my favorite little programs.
2. Now I am going to be scouring Google Earth trying to find other undiscovered phenomena, like my long-theorized grazing habits of people.
3. I love technology.  Always and Forever.
4. OK, but really, this is all a bit of baloney.  I mean, did the "researchers" really look at all the cattle in the world?  And don't they just tend to graze based upon other such factors as wind direction and the light/heat of the sun?  
5. If it is true, is this because of a magnetic sensibility in the cows?  Or a constant desire to be perpendicular to the path of the Sun?
6. Or is it rather the vestigal habits to move north-south such as migratory birds, that has been hampered by husbandry and "pastureization"?
7. And on second thought, haven't we known for centuries that birds go north and south?  What's the BFD?
8. But probably the most likely scenario is that a race of alien overlords has implanted a microscopic positioning device in all of our cattle, doubtless gathering information for an eventual world domination.
9. I can imagine this race of alien overlords also looking down from a multidimensional microscope and chuckling amongst themselves: "Look at these pitiful humans!  They all go about grazing only in the third dimension!  Don't they realize this?  And they think these cattle have issues!"
10. The moral of all of this is to step back, zoom out--look at your own life.  Examine it.  The unexamined life is not worth living.  Forget about your "goals."  Forget about what you think you know.  What if you spend your whole life moving north and south!  You have practically 358 degrees (360 minus 2 for north and south) of mobility and you are only going north and south.  Think outside the box.  You may think I mean this metaphorically, or as some sort of life lesson, but no--I literally mean, you should start to examine your grazing habits!  Mix it up a bit...go east, west, northwest, etc.  Also, don't develop a herd mentality.  You don't need to go the same direction as some one else.  For example, I've noticed that when I am on the highway, everyone goes the same way.  This is exactly the kind of mind-numbing groupthink that I am talking about!

The First Post--no, scratch that, it's The Zeroth Post

"First Post" doesn't seem quite right, because this post isn't much of a post at all, but rather an obligatory introduction to my new blog. Therefore, I have glossed this post as my zeroth (0th). So, in a sense, it is not really a post at all, because zero is nothing. Er, or should that read zero isn't anything? No matter. I think I need to let my blog develop and grow a bit before I get into deep metaphysical concepts and advanced double negatives.

My motivations for creating this blog are many, and I will list them in order of intensity: peer pressure, guilt, fear, love and a little bit of vanity.

Oh, btw, my name is Joel. If you don't know me, why are you reading my blog?

Hmmm. What to blog about? Do you want to know what I'm doing right now? Here's a list. I've heard people like to read lists.

1. I'm watching the US Open Final between Federer and Murray.
2. I'm sitting in a brown recliner chair in a family room in a house at 5201 NW 17th Circle, in the city of Camas, in the zipcode 98607, in the county Clark, in the state of Washington, in the United States of America, which is a country in the North American continent, which straddles the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans in the northern and western hemispheres of the planet Earth, which rotates around a big yellow star called the Sun, being the third major planet in distance from said Sun, which entire star system is a speck in a pinwheel of stars called the Milky Way, which also is the name of a candy bar.
3. I'm twirling my bangs. It's a bad habit.
4. It's a sunny day, measuring 83.3 degrees on the Fahrenheit scale.
5. I'm wearing green cargo shirts, a white T-shirt which appropriately advertises the "Davis Invitational", with a picture of a girl hitting a tennis ball.

Ok. I will now attempt to describe my physical appearance, as I percieve it. For fun, you can compare it with the pictures of me included on this site. I will begin at the uppermost reaches of my body, and then laboriously and piously work my way down to the nethermost regions. At the lofty summit, a bushy expanse of mahogany-hued hair majestically blankets a squattish head, tapering off both to the east and west in meticulously well-kept sideburns, and to the posterior in terraced slopes, ending just above the neck. The skull is best described as belonging to the species Homo Sapiens, although slight traces of Homo Erectus can be seen by the trained eye. This is of course characterized by a roundish upper dome which encases the mighty central processing unit, which in the common speech is known as the brain. The nose is slightly larger, relative to the mean, and is due to a mixture of Hebrew and Central/Eastern European origins. It could therefore be appropiately referred to as a "schnozz." Two gaping holes are punched in the portion of the nose which juts foremost out away from the face, much like a rock overhang on a mountainside. Directly above and on either side of the schnozz lies the entire Visual Apparatus; two haunting, matching mahogany eyes showcase this apparatus, garnished by equally hued brows and lashes. The eyes must be augmented artificially by slim pieces of plastic which suction themselves onto the iris of each eye. Moving below the nose, we pass by a brief portion of the epidermis above the mouth known as the upper lip/mustache area. Much like the cheeks and chin, this area is perpetually growing obstinate whiskers, which if shaved every day at 6:45 a.m., will still be in shadow by mid-day. The mouth glitters with a porcelain set of corrected teeth, forever lacking four errant teeth which stood in the way of society's vain expectations of the adult smile. Rouge lips line the circumference of this mouth, and a delightfully slick tongue patrols the interior and assists in the formings of sibilants and plosives. Oh, no, I have not forgotten the ears. How could I adequately describe such twin tributes devoted to the blessed pursuit of auditory input, except to say that they perhaps have performed their duty the most flawlesslessly of any other? The whole of the head contours in a stunning climax at the chinny-chin-chin. Below the head exists a barren neck, notable only for its birth mark oasis which curiosly resembles a pretty mean hickey. It must be now mentioned that the same-colored hue of hair crops up again in many places across the body, beautifying what would otherwise be a pasty blandness. This first occurs on the chestal area, which I now mention. The stomach is liberally mixed with muscle and fat; this extends into the hip area. Our Puritanical standards here limit much of merit which could be discussed, so I will reluctantly proceed to the mighty legs which support the whole upper structure of the body. On the left leg, on the backside of the knee I would be rash to not mention a certain keloid which appeared during my formative years following an unfortunate razor incident. Finally, at the base of this mountain of a man--two feet replete with ten impractical but stylish toes. In total, I measure five foot eleven inches, and weigh one hundred sixty pounds.

I think that is enough for a 0th post. Stay tuned for my first post!