The Upper Strata of Halloween Decorating

Picture 1

Picture 2

Picture 3

Picture 4

Picture 5

These last few days I have observed, studied and quantified the strange North American habit of decorating houses for holidays.  I am not talking about your standard "Love" or "Snoopy" flags, no no--I speak of those who have climbed their way inside society to reach the very pinnacle of their field.  The motives for such flamboyant eccentricity remain mysterious; however, I hypothesize it lies in a combination of vainness, unmanaged pyschological issues, pure unadulterated idiocy, and extreme "keeping up with the Joneses" hyper-competitiveness.  I have ruled it out as a rite of passage or as part of some peacock-like mating ritual.

Equipped with a puke yellow expeditionary van and a trusty phone-camera apparatus, I ventured out into the wilds of suburbia to photograph these strange phonemona.  I collected what I surmised to be the most extreme examples of this rare condition, and present it here for my peers to review.

In Picture 1, we see an arachnid theme which is repeated on many of the houses.  I postulate that these people place a spiritual/religous value on the spider, and particular emphasis seems to be shown to the spider's web.  A variation on this theme is shown in picture 3.

Picture 2 as well as Pictures 4-5 introduce a graveyard/cemetary motif, clearly showing the high emphasis the native McMansion dwellers place on ancestors.  In pictures 4 and 5, great care was taken to add on an extension to the front porch of the house, showing unusual devotion to the holiday.

This holiday known in the native tongue as "Halloween" gives way to a rash of decorating-intensive holidays, beginning with "Thanksgiving" and proceeding to the granddaddy of them all, "Christmas"to then be followed anticlimactically by "Valentine's Day" and "Easter."  I hope to update this with the crem-de-la-crem of those holidays in the future.

Ok, I got my haircut today and all the lady could talk about was how I had so much gray hair. Now, it looks a lot worse before it's cut, but you can still see the specks when it's short. It's really weird because it's just on the sides, but not really anywhere else. To humor her, I started talking about how I should dye it even though I never really considered it before. But after I left, I went into Fred Meyer looking for the hair dyes she was talking about. I still need to sleep on this, but I think in 2 weeks or so, in the midway point 'til the next haircut, I might give the stuff a try. It would really be a psychological blow if I were to give in and do this, you know, mostly because it makes me feel really old and really stupid. Then she tried to soothe the trauma of my premature gray hair by saying it makes me look distinguished. Of course, I don't care about looking distinguished yet. Maybe in like twenty years, but not yet!  So here's some pictures, which actually don't show the grayness that much.  

I Hope They Call Me on a Mission--Oh, Wait, They Already Did When I Was Twelve

As many of you no doubt know (and as I often like to vainly remind people), I served my mission in the Czech Republic from 2001-2003. If you like this picture here, you can see more of the silliness in my Facebook photos. But my mission wasn’t all silliness; it was actually a salad bowl mixture of intense work, heart-breaking grief and soul-fulfilling joy. To paraphrase Dickens, it was the best part of my life; it was the worst part of my life.

Many times during my mission I thought of ways to improve the work—to make it more effective and more efficient. Some of the ideas I had were beyond my control, like some of the fundamental structural elements of the missionary program. I would like to preface this by saying that the missionary program is inspired and that this all just a bit of fun.

1. I think that missionaries bound for foreign language, foreign culture missions should get their mission calls much earlier, like perhaps at 12 years old or even earlier. They can begin to learn the language and slowly learn more about the culture. This increased time will soften the steep learning curve which hampers much of the mission. When they are 16, all the future missionaries should spend part of their summer in their mission as part as a pre-mission camp where they can become accustomed to their country and get excited about their eventual mission. Converts who join the church later can fulfill the stateside missions, which they are better at anyways.

2. Instead of going to an MTC, all missionaries should spend a few weeks in a same-language, same-culture mission just so they can get some of the basics down of serving a mission. I think the last 6 months of a mission the missionary should get to decide whether he should stay in his mission or serve it out stateside.

3. The missionary look should be relaxed a bit. It looks way too formal in some situations and I know it turns just as many people off that it turns on. On my mission it always looked absurdly overdressed compared to the rest of the people. I still think there should be a dress code, but the rigid always white shirt/always dark suits look is unparalleled in the rest of the business formal world, which I always assumed the missionary look is based on.

4. Abolish contacting and tracting. These always scared me to death, and I hated it because I knew people hated it and I knew I would hate it if it was done to me.

5. Abolish district leaders, zone leaders, and especially assistants to the President. Spread the power around. A mission should be a true democracy, without the pettiness of power struggles.

6. Adopt a more presentational, passive approach. Instead of meeting everybody (including all the crazies), set up shop at certain spots, and let people come to you. Advertise, market, hold events so that people become interested and come in under their own volition. This is already done to some extent, in the form of English classes, sports nights, visitor’s centers, etc.

7. Become more service-oriented. Programs involving humanitarian efforts and charitable works should be entrenched in each area where missionaries work.

OK, I realize that these are pretty revolutionary ideas and are controversial, having their own benefits and drawbacks. Here are a few things I think should be kept the same:

1. Companionships.

2. Morning study.

3. (Most of the) Rules.

4. Preach My Gospel

Man, wouldn’t these changes be so cool? What do you think?

If you set a goal and no one is around when you fail, did you really ever set the goal?

Why? Because lately, it just seems like I have to dodge people forcing me to set goals like a world war one flying ace avoiding flak. Have all you goal-making purists ever noticed that goals are never mentioned in the scriptures? Yeah, didn't think so. Oh, and have you ever thought to consider that they are a modern-day invention, and not necessarily a part of a well-balanced life? Do you think people like Julius Caesar, Martin Luther, or even King Arthur needed goals? Oh, and did you stop to consider the world is ruled by those people with personality types who have a natural propensity to set goals? Look at what a great world we live in!

Ok, yeah, I know that I have set goals before. And yes, I am just as bad at meeting my goals as anyone else. I admit that has soured me a bit on this whole goal thing. But really, deep down inside me in the quadrant next to my repressed subconscious, exists a tiny sliver of respect for the theory behind goal-setting.

So, I am a hypocrite, basically. I'm just like everyone else. Fine. I admit it. I love goals! Give me some goals!

An indefinite number of goals

1. Read everyday
   
2. Read the scriptures everyday
   
3. Pray everyday
   
4. Write everyday
   
5. Apply for jobs
   
6. Research going back to school
   
7. Stop doing stupid stuff
   
8. Ask girls out
   
9. Write a blog
   
10. Outline story ideas
    
11. Move out
    
12. Stop playing computer games
    
13. Do home teaching
    
14. Use my Wednesdays effectively
    
15. Declutter my room
    
16. Maintain all those things that I already do really well
    
17. Go on Jeopardy!
    
18. Get married
    
19. Have kids
    
20. Have a stimulating career
    
21. Teach in some capacity
    
22. Eventually write a story everyday
    
23. Eventually write 500 books
    
24. Somehow dig up some motivation to start doing any of these things
    
25. Repent everyday
    
26. Have a condo in the South Waterfront
    
27. Commute to work by using transit
    
28. Go back to the Czech Republic
    
29. No matter how many times I fall short of my goals, I still somehow keep trying
    
30. Seek out Czech-related activities
    
31. Stay (or regain my ability to speak) fluent Czech
    
32. Write another essay
    
33. Lose some weight
    
34. Exercise
    
35. Run
    
36. Bike
    
37. Play tennis
    
38. Play other sports
    
39. Stop twirling my hair
    
40. Stop biting my fingernails
    
41. Keep a good attitude
    
42. Maintain a perfect balance between all areas of my life
    
43. I'm really reaching now
    
44. Still, there's some good ones further down on the list
    
45. Stop falling in love with girls before I've dated them
    
46. Play Scrabble competitively
    
47. Get LASIK eye surgery
    
48. Get a laptop
    
49. Overcome my fears
    
50. Be Perfect
    
51. Watch less TV
    

    
     

Well, that's a good start. Maybe my next step will be to categorize them, collate them, pare them down, prune them, and then replace all my be verbs with active, vibrant verbs. Oh crap, then I suppose I should actually start trying to meet them.

You Never Know When or Where A Bolt of Lightning Will Hit; PLUS Week in Review

While I was driving today, like a bolt of lightning I started receiving pure intelligence flowing into my brain, communicating to me the topics for about 10-12 additional blog posts. I ripped off a page of the route manifest in a fury and scribbled down the knowledge being sent me. Up until this informational revelation, I had been wandering around this blog wilderness like a weary desert traveler. I would stumble upon the occasional rhetorical oasis amidst days of incoherent wandering. On many days, my withered fingers would posture reluctantly at the keys while my parched eyes gazed into the electro-luminous screen, searching the void of pixels for any shred of meaning that I might possibly distill and gather but a few drops of sweet, blogging nectar. The incomprehensible horror of this endless stupor I took as a mirage—what to do but wait another day for my muse to recover herself.

But now I found, as it were, an old abandoned well in a ghost town, offering me a fresh new source of ideas. So I hereby announce the beginning of a new era for this humble blog, eclipsing the previous era of mediocrity and emerging into the light of a new day, head held high. I pledge to myself, to this blog, and most importantly to my scant readers, to layout this fresh new stream of data in the form of a new post everyday. At the very least, I hope this to last for about 10-12 more days, to flesh out the original outpouring of ideas. My fervent desire is that this plan will serve to prime the pump, and tap into an even longer reserve of endless days of blogging, until we reach that yet-hoped-for day-when-no-blogging-is-to-be-done.

Oh, where to begin? Shall it be the love letter to all the girls I've loved, the rant on goal-setting, the universe that is concealed in the word "No", or my week in review?

Yes, today it shall be my week in review, which I by this motion proclaim to write every Monday from henceforth, but I'll let some of those other topics tease you. For this week only, I will begin on the Friday I returned from Montana; beginning with the moment I crossed the plane of the State of Washington.

1. I returned from my previously mentioned excursion to Montana with my aunt, weary from my adventuring. We listened to a book-on-tape called The Paid Companion, which I paid attention to most of the way, although I started to zone out right when the tension was rising and was reaching its climax. After the Tri-Cities I drove the rest of the way, which was surprisingly refreshing after a few weeks of not driving.
   
2. I arrived to a house that had been substantially redecorated in my absence, in preparation for my little sister's wedding. Also conveniently present was my little sister, who finished her second trip home during the time of my trip.
   
3. The square, lacking for three weeks one-fourth of its membership, reconvened to much giddy celebration and failed shirt making.
   
4. I saw a rugby game. Didn't understand it. I found my wallet which I had lost the day before.
   
5. I returned to church after a few weeks' absence and felt an overabundance of joy to find many friends still brothers and sisters in the gospel.
   
6. I returned to work and reinvigorated my atrophied work ethic.
   
7. I did sealings at the temple, forging bonds on earth that will be bound in heaven. I also tried to forge some of my own feeble bonds, to no avail.
   
8. At this point my high from returning home intersected with the rising curve which I will call "Reality/Stuff that sucks".
   
9. Somehow I spent a lot of time talking and hoping and trying but ultimately not getting something that I wanted.
   
10. I got mad that I was not getting what I wanted.
    
11. I tried looking for that "something I wanted" in other places, trying to fulfill an intangible yet unbearable chasm in my heart. Went too far, regretted it. Then I tried to make peace with my mistake, only to make the same mistake again.
    
12. Oh yeah, like the eye of a hurricane I spent some time with an emerging new friend and had a lot of fun. That wasn't so bad. I mean, how can you beat a set weekly date, sushi, and a free movie?
    
13. I played catch and had pizza and worked out with my BFF. Plus we had a lot of man talk.
    
14. In this relatively tumultuous time of my life, I spontaneously picked up a couple of hitchhikers and they gave me $5! Wow, sometimes I wonder if I am really white…(not the skin color, mind you)
    
15. I again sought sanctuary at church, only to realize that all of my plot lines converge at church, so it ended up being awkward! and kinda painful. I guess I do it to myself.
    
16. But seriously, I also did find solace in my leaders and in sympathetic friends on Sunday.
    
17. Sunday night played games. Nothing more fun on a Sunday night. Nope. Nothing!
    

YEEAHH! That felt better. This week, for me, was a rollercoaster. My prediction for next week: more of the same, maybe a bit more boring. Who knows? You'll find out next week. In the mean time, get ready for a new post tomorrow that will blow your socks off.

 

A Tribute to Blue Square

People suck.  Relationships suck.  I don't know why I ever get involved with anyone.  They just walk all over me.  It's the story of my life:  I build up a lot of trust in a person over a period of months, than they completely take advantage of my feelings, then we have a falling out, and I feel like I can't trust them, and I feel like I can't trust anyone, and I decide to not get close to anybody for a period of couple of months.

It's my "trust" cycle.  It has happened many times.  Now I feel like I don't even want to try anymore.  I'm in that stage.  

Why are people like this?  Why do they make each other miserable? I want to know!!

I'm just walking along, living my life, trying to find people to trust, and then BAM! out of nowhere someone completely pretends to trust me and begs to be trusted and I fall for it and then that same person leverages that phony mirage of trust into a situation full of pain.  It's a classic bait-and-switch that I've fallen for many times.

I want to trust people.  How can I even live my life if I never trust anyone?  But when I don't feel like I can trust my friends I find myself cold and alone.  

The Most Spontaneous Thing I’ve Ever Done in My Life

Every waking moment of existence I make a choice. I select the choices based upon a myriad of factors, seen and unseen. As a result of each choice, more choices become available. However, the results of previous choices sometimes limit future decisions. Every once in a while I make a choice outside of the spectrum of normal choices.

For example, each day I choose to get up and work. Except three weeks ago today, I decided that instead of doing my normal job and living my normal life in Vancouver, WA, that I would forsake all routine and all civilization and all relationships to go to Montana and live in a cabin. Why did I choose to do this? Based upon the decisions that I had made in my life up to that crucial point, I had never before made such a rash, unpremeditated move.

Here, in list form, I present the rationale:

1. My aunt offered to take me along on the trip right I was getting ready for work on Monday morning. It seemed appealing over work.
   
2. I like to take trips.
   
3. It had been a long time since I've had an extended vacation.
   
4. This is the silliest thing of all, if you think about it. I wanted to show other people that I would do this sorta thing. I mean, that I was capable of making a spur-of-the-moment decision of this magnitude. First of all, I'm sure no one even pays that close attention to me and what I'm doing. Second, what kinda reason is that?
   

My personality has been pigeon-holed by others and I believed in the stereotype they created. But now I showed them that they are wrong, so there!

Here's another list, this time replete with the activities I partook of in Montana:

1. I cut down firewood.
   
2. I read several books.
   
3. I wrote.
   
4. I slept. A lot.
   
5. I went to General Conference.
   
6. I went on a hike up to a waterfall.
   
7. I saw a bear.
   
8. I made apple juice.
   
9. I got set up with a girl.
   
10. I played ping pong.
    
11. I grew a beard.
    
12. I stacked firewood.
    
13. I thought of coming back home.
    

It was a good, spontaneous trip. But I'm glad to be back in my unspontaneous life.